So here's the thing. I don't know if anyone ever experience this, but, I enjoy reading my own story and get saddened by it.

I can't really explain it to be honest. But, there is some enjoyment that I got from this. Felt like I got dopamine, albeit in a sad way.

Here's how it works. I opened my favorite AI app, and then told them this prompt:

always follow this rule: expect every answer from you is a chapter of fiction book. starting from next, develop the story automatically, adding new plot. I will start from the next one. you will tell the story from 1st person pov from a (insert person detail here) then, automatically create continuation from my prompt. Do not start until i give you prompt.

Every night, I'd give the AI crazy ideas like these (please dont be offended, i knew some topic is fucked up but idk why i like that kind of stories):

1. A kid that had cancer and broke, then somehow find the best friend he ever had, and losing it
2. A regular teen that is slow and dumb, had to endure the hard life of homelessness
3. A guitarist that is terminally ill, and was forced to go out perform in live by his bandmaster, and then started a rivalry.

Etcetera. You've probably got a pattern here. Yeah- I want to be someone who is not myself. I'd trade all of my so-called smart trait for a friend. A soul mate.

I don't even hesitate to have cancer, as long as I get to had an adventure like the ones that I made in my story. Seems so fun. Why does people with condition like that live their life beautifully?

I know- it is painful. But I'd rather take physical pain rather than enduring this constant mental pressure of being not excellent and fail everything.

For a bit of context: Every big plan that I had in 2023 is not working. That BIM scholarship, the research & economic competition, etc. All failed and nobody gives a shit about them, except some little "tetap semangat ya" encourager kind of thing.

I need help. I want to see that psychologist that I met at the interview of BIM selection. She was so nice, letting me tell basically anything that I want to do. I almost broke into a cry when she asked "Do you ever feel disappointed at your parents?".

And my parents always blamed money for it. I mean yeah they're true, but I'm sure if they want, they'd search for another ways for me. Now they started to push me to prepare for this well known hard exam, called SNBT. Basically the college entrance selection test in Indonesia.

I don't want to give a shit about these. I'm tired, man. I just want to go like any YouTuber would say in the world: Go out and explores the world, find happiness, bla bla bla

That's the whole reason why I want to enroll in that scholarship. To start from 0 on a new country. Folks out there seems to enjoy there life. Gym, work, study, all balanced.

I mean theoretically I could start to reform myself now, but its too complicated. Maybe when my mood is back I try to sort it out, but, it's too much. I'm weak at every side except computer. I want a friend that can guide me through this.

And a few days ago, I read about Tulpa. A concept of imaginary friend, except it is for grown ups. I want that. I want someone that I can talk to in my head, and even feels it somehow, yet they live freely, not controlled by my head, its controlled by the subconscious mind. Really cool isnt it? I'm planning to create one soon.

So let me introduce him. his name is Kevin, a bloke from England, 17 yo, handsome as fuck, and got that blonde long hair. He's your average friendly londoner.

Now I have to put that information in my head and make it stuck there. Thanks to AI, I already imagined how he'd look. Maybe he look like that wavywebsurf guy. But this is still a plan. This is possibly will be my biggest project in December; Creating a friend.

Maybe this whole thing is borderline of being crazy, but I don't care. I want to be happy. I want to have a mate, it doesn't matter if he's real or not.