Welp, seperti yg terlihat dari judul, yep, I failed the competition. My anger were actually subsided a lot, so there's not much writing I could do anymore. Usually, when I'm angry & tense, I got these "angry productivity urge" in my head and all of a sudden got shitton of ideas (that were actually good). But yeah, today's anger is not because of pengumuman itu, it's because my mum.

Well, you see, my mom is quite different from other mom's that I know in my place. She's generally more democratic about school (yep I knew its weird but I literally got obsessed with HOI4 so my language style also changed).

Turns out, budget comes into the way. When she do a research and realize that a PTN (State university) like UI (Univ. Indonesia) cost like Rp17 juta/semester, she shocked. I mean, it's expected, because the inflation rate were all way up high in the sky.

And that's where my mom slowly turned into less democratic. She wants me to go to this special school called STAN (Sekolah tinggi akuntansi negara). Basically, kalau kamu lolos masuk ke sana, nanti pas lulus sekolah itu, kamu sudah sarjana dan akan langsung jadi ASN (government worker)

Sounds great right? Sure, it does for my father. For me, it sounds like a hell plan.

First of all, STAN have this physical test. As you guys knew, I'm not the most athletic person you would find. I can barely run about 100m, let alone do those militer-styled physical test.

Second, I don't want to be a ASN because of free speech. I mean, sudah jadi rahasia publik bahwa ASN itu adalah budak negara. Ga bisa berpendapat bebas. I knew that sounds like too idelaistic, tapi tetep aja, at least kalo swasta i can speak freely without worrying about intel.

Mengapa orang pada ambis ingin jadi ASN? Ya karena penghasilannya lumayan. Banyak tunjangan, peningkatan karir stabil (bahkan kalopun lu nggak kerja, pasti dalam tempo 1/2 tahun akan naik jabatan, selama kamu nggak bikin kasus).

Back to topic. So, my mom now kept trying to push me further into "preparing for STAN". Disuruh siapin fisik. Welp, to be honest, gw agak takut dengan tes fisik di sekolah yg dibiayai negara ini. Seems really dangerous. Di instansi yg berbeda (Akpol or akmil gitu) there was a bunch of guys who died because of exhaustion and bullying. Gw udah merasa nanti STAN akan jadi penjara bagi gw.

Apalagi setelah baca Reddit, ada tu satu orang bilang "Wah iya, biasanya anak2 lulusan STAN cenderung lebih pendiam dan kurang mau berdiskusi, jadi kalo ngambil keputusan lebih strict". Dari situ ya udah jadi pasti 100% bahwa gw akan di brainwash kalo masuk sana. I don't wanna get involved in this shit.

Jadi kesimpulannya, karena gw gagal di OSN, and my only chance of college is going to STAN, imma rethink this all. Why mom? Kenapa dulu mengenalkan gw dengan OSN & stuff like BIM? Imagine if I don't know that, mungkin udah punya pacar kali skrg.

About my desire going to England, well ada juga involvement emak gw. Coba aja dari dulu udah ngomong bahwa beasiswa kayak begini impossible untuk diraih (unless you're a genius), pasti ga seambruk ini mental gw. I knew at one point my mom gonna see this, tapi gw cuma pengen tau gmn rasanya venting dan punya rahasia pribadi.

Bye England, wish I could visit the bridge and the palace and stuff. God, could i get a lucid dream of being in england? That would be nice to do considering that youve made my life worse over these past few months. Didnt blame you though, probably because Im not doing solat.

😔 it seems my angry has subsided. I already vented it. Ada sih beberapa yg belum keluar, tapi keburu dingin otaknya, so yeah, gonna vent it dilain waktu. Thanks to whoever read this piece of junk, and I hope you can have a great day wherever you are. See ya!